It’s that time of year when we celebrate our fathers. If you are like me, you are scratching your head trying to figure out what to buy your dad. If your father is a sports fan or has a hobby, it’s not too hard. If not, you are wondering what to get. Does your dad really need another tie or a bottle of cologne?
As I think about this special day and what to buy my dad and how we are going to celebrate, I am struck by the role that fathers hold for their family, especially their children. Fathers have a tremendous responsibility to bear: they are protectors and providers. They are also expected to give their children a sense of identity and self-worth.
All too often fathers do not, for a variety of reasons, meet all of those expectations. Even the best fathers cannot fulfill those roles perfectly all of the time. Consequently, as their children, we are often left feeling neglected, disappointed and confused, thus the term, father wound.
Those wounds directly affect how we view God, our Heavenly Father. Both our biological father and God have the same responsibilities: to protect us, provide for us, and to give us our identity. This identity is shaped by how we perceive our biological father growing up and influences our understanding of our Heavenly Father. This influence is subconscious and stays with us into adulthood. In other words, chances are, however you viewed your father will parallel how you view God.
For example, if your father was physically in the home and provided financially for the family, but emotionally distant, you will most likely see God the same way and have a hard time opening up to God and believing that he cares for you.
Perhaps your father was demanding, putting unfair pressures on you to perform well either in school or sports. This attitude probably left you feeling like you had to earn his approval and also God’s approval. You find yourself trying to perform for God, striving to be that perfect Christian, in order to win Him over and receive His blessings. When you do make mistakes, you fear that God is disappointed and angry with you. You don’t believe His love really is unconditional.
Maybe your father passed away when you were little or abandoned the family; maybe you don’t know who your father is. Deep down you might fear that God too, will leave you when you need Him most. This makes it very difficult to trust Him with your life.
Some of you grew up with a father who was abusive, controlling or manipulative or passive and indifferent. These actions stirs up feelings of dread and fear that God is the same way.
Even if you had a loving relationship with your father, remember that everyone is human. There were things that your father did and said that hurt you, even if it was indirect and unintentional.
Our father wounds make it difficult for us to trust God deeply, to come to Him for help, and believe that He really will be there for us.
But there is hope! Take a deep look in your heart; admit how your relationship with your father has influenced your relationship with God and, consequently, with others. Then remind yourself that your biological father is human, and he has flaws and weaknesses, just as we do. This is not about blaming and pointing fingers. Recognizing these wounds is a tool to help us discover the root cause of some of the unhealthy behaviors and thoughts we struggle with as adults.
Of course, there are other factors besides our relationship with our father that shapes us. But it’s certainly one of the key factors, so it behooves us to take a good look at it. In the process of healing from your father wounds, you will find yourself more compassionate and forgiving of your father. Moreover, you will discover that your Heavenly Father’s love is greater than you ever imagined.
Alicia Grey has a passion for helping people grow spiritually and emotionally, so they can experience all that God has for them. She has a diverse career background, including several years as a missionary in Paraguay. She is currently working as a hospice chaplain in New Jersey. She has a master’s degree in Intercultural Studies from Fuller Theological Seminary, a master’s degree in Print Journalism from Northwestern University and a bachelor’s degree in Literature from Wellesley College.
