I Thought My Mother Wouldn’t be Proud of Me
Mother’s Day is not always a day of love and celebration. For some people, this day is a reminder of a painful childhood that was absent of a mother’s love. Many people, children and adults alike, are hurting from wounds that their mother inflicted with abuse and neglect.
So many times I stood in stores reading through Mother’s Day cards feeling rejected and angered that my mother did not love me like the cards described of a mother’s love. On several occasions, feelings of shame and guilt captured my heart as I searched through cards because I did not feel the sentiments about my mother that were described on them.
I know many children have stood with me in the aisle feeling conflicted and embarrassed by the realization that Mother’s Day for them is actually quite complicated. I classify relationship with my mother as distance and dysfunctional, verbally and physically abusive, and void of things to make me feel wanted and seen.
My mother passed away five years ago. Death has a way of bringing things to attention that were once not considered. A new perspective can sometimes be all that is needed to heal wounds that linger. In order for a new perspective and healing to occur, we have to be open to receive, surrender, to forgive, and be forgiven.
When my mother passed, not only did I mourn her death, I was forced to bury, with great disappointment, my dream of one day having a healthy relationship with her. A healthy relationship was a prayer I pleaded many times in the dark during my alone time with God as I tried to exchange my sadness and emptiness for His joy and fulfillment.
Interestingly enough, when my mother passed, I was not angered by the abuse and neglect. I only had one regret. Out of all the things to mourn, the one thought that occupied my mind the most was Momma died without knowing I graduated from college. I purposely did not tell her I graduated. Three months later, she passed away.
The reason I refused to tell my mother was I did not think she would be proud of me. As an adult woman, 28 years old at the time, I did not want to give my mother another opportunity to hurt and reject me.
The other day I had a conversation with a former professor regarding this year’s graduation. I said to her, “I have three Associate of Arts degrees. I am graduating next week with my Bachelors and am starting the Masters program in the Fall. When I graduated with my first A.A. I did not tell my mother. I thought that she would not be proud of me, but my mother’s last words to me were, ‘I am glad you turned out different.’ It took me five years and a lot of healing to realize that I am only different today because of my mother.”
My professor said things to me that helped me to look at my mother with a more compassionate eye. Sometimes we fail to realize that outside of a mother being a mother, that she too is dealing with crisis, fears, and turmoil. As much as a mother will try to protect her child from her chaos, chaos will still find a way to seep through.
My mother did not give me what I wanted: attention, affection, consideration, kindness, and affirming words. What she did do was keep me separated from the drinking and smoking that occurred in the living room. She gave me an example of what not to become. She told me to “stay in them books, work hard, and become somebody.”
I have done all those things. Most importantly, I am no longer a child conflicted in the aisles. I know that I am “different” and full of love and positivity because of my mother. A compliment I receive, and quite often by the way, is I am a great mother to my three boys. One reason I am a “great mother” is I do not want my children to experience the things I did as a child.
My advice to adults who are harboring resentment and anger towards their mother is to understand that outside of being your mother she is dealing with things that you do not know. Instead of being angry, forgive and look for the lesson — a lesson learned from a painful situation that can make your life better. A bitter memory from the past is not worth forfeiting a good life now.
This Mother’s Day chose to love and forgive your mother if she has hurt you. If you cannot bring yourself to do this, seek professional therapy or life coaching, pray, read self-help books, watch motivating YouTube videos, and try journaling, too. I have done all those things. Start now. This Mother’s Day can not only be a gift for your mother but a gift for you too. You both deserve it.
Antoya White is a mother of three and a published author who holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in adolescent development. She's currently studying for a master's degree in social work, while simultaneously launching her first business. Her latest book, “Letters to Miss Sunshine,” is scheduled for release in the fall.
